Being a guy with a medium-moderate interest in cooking, I’m happy there are a few shows on the Food Network to keep my attention. I think Alton Brown is charismatic and brilliant, and Sandra Lee the polar opposite. I’m morbidly curious whenever I see how many cinderblocks of butter Paula Deen uses in making something like toast, but only with the sound off. I used to like to watch Rachael Ray bobblehead and pantomime her rapture in eating a day’s worth of delicious food for two Jacksons…. but now when I listen to her I wonder how many Camels unfiltered she lights up during the commercial break. And Duff Goldman (“The Ace of Cakes”) is gold.
I don’t want to rack my brain trying to critique every host by memory, but — and it’s a big but — there are two divas of the Food Network that always hold my rapt attention.
Speaking of “rack” and “big buts,” I really enjoy watching… no. I won’t do it. A segue like that does Nigella Lawson no service. I don’t want to be one of Those Guys who blogs about how pleasant a silhouette she has and how her just-this-side-of-a-phone-sex-operator dialogue puts a dreamy smile on my face. No, I likes Nigella because I likes my women crazy. Take a look at these unretouched images! She’s got that sparkle in her eye that says, “eat your Shepherd’s Pie or I’ll wrestle you to the ground and bludgeon you with my tight, pink fists.” And you know what? I’m certain a fair chunk of you guys would take her up on that offer.
I also like watching Giada De Laurentiis, the granddaughter of the guy who brought us the movie with the big monkey and the twin towers. I’ll bet most of you are probably thinking, “Yeah, Paul… we know what the obvious attraction is… and it’s located south of her lantern jaw by, oh, the length of one medium-sized pickle.” True that. But really, I like to watch Giada because while I’m trying to figure out if it’s her head that’s so huge or if her arms are too short, I know that at any moment she’s going to BUST OUT THAT SCARY-ASS GRIN! Look at that grill! She looks like a Peter Max painting, or something from Monty Python! Her teeth are perfect, pearly and — with that mandible in play — can probably bite all the fingers off your hand in one snap.
Sadly for the Food Network, the Travel Channel has “No Reservations.” I can rest assured that Anthony Bourdain will bring the crazy every Monday night. I don’t even miss the cleavage.